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In some ways, this post is a deviation from our usual Snark Week content! Usually we spend this time ripping apart shitty costumes and craptastic productions, but because “Bitchy Is Our Brand” (especially for Snark Week), I started thinking about all the historical costume movie and TV show bitches — who are usually the best part of any production. Why? Because they’re entertaining, say the things we’re all thinking, and as we all know:
So, let’s give a shout-out to some of my favorite bitches from historical costume movies and TV shows. Note: these may not be your favorites, it’s my arbitrary list! Arbitrary, because I’m a bitch! All you bitches can bitch about me forgetting your favorite bitches in the comments.
Bitchy Moms/Mothers-in-Law
My first category of historical costume bitches are the mothers (and mothers-in-law). There’s nary a film out there where our beloved heroine isn’t battling a bitchy older lady who is trying to foil her attempts to nab her true wuv (whether from true bitchiness or just misguided ideas about maternal affection). The best of them also get to make the zinger comments, but nonetheless, having a bitchy mother or mother-in-law is a standard (and entertaining) trope in historical films.
Although my watching of Reign has been limited to about three episodes (three hours of my life I will never get back), “Queen Catherine” (mother-in-law to “Mary Queen of Scots”) springs to mind as a perfect example of the bitchy, scheming mother-in-law who is the prime villain against which our heroine must struggle:
Most films about royals have a bitchy mother/-in-law to deal with. So far Victoria‘s Duchess of Kent is more annoying than evil, but The Young Victoria went with a “hell to the no” version of Queen Vickie’s mom:
In keeping with the idea of “the better dressed the mom, the bitchier she is,” Wives and Daughters‘ Hyacinth is possibly the world’s best dressed/most annoying mother/step-mother. Of course, part of her problem is that she’s just obtuse and self-involved — she actually thinks she’s helping her daughter and step-daughter when she’s a core part of their life problems:
Maybe the best example of all is Ruth Dewitt Bukater (Frances Fisher), mother of Rose (Kate Winslet) in Titanic. Nearly all of Rose’s problems come from the fact that she has a cash-poor, snobby, selfish mother who wants to stifle Rose’s free nature and marry her off to the richest asshole possible. Again, you just KNOW she’s bitchy because she’s still young enough to be pretty AND she’s well dressed:
Special Side Note: Bitchy Grandmothers
I realized I needed to add a sub-category here just to shout-out to the Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith) on Downton Abbey. She’s not really in the same role as the difficult mothers above — she actually is quite helpful to the “heroines” (Mary, Edith, Sybil) of the show. But she’s snarky as all get out, and we love her, so I thought she needed a category of her own:
Bitchy Romans
Full credit must be given to Loren of The Costumer’s Closet, who coined the term “Bitchy Roman Loungewear” to describe the fabulous, probably-having-nothing-to-do-with-actual-historical-clothing worn by the catfight-y ladies of shlocky classical period TV shows like Spartacus and Rome. She’s right — these are some serious bitches who spend their time scheming; shtupping generals, slaves, and gladiators; and often killing off their enemies — all while looking Hot as Fuck.
I actually watched 1-2 seasons of Spartacus because it was such ridiculously campy fun and there were a lot of hot guys running around shirtless and oiled up. I don’t really remember most of the bitches specifically, other than that they were bitchy:
But I definitely remember Lucy Lawless as Lucretia, the best dressed, sluttiest, and just plain bitchiest of them all:
HBO’s Rome was similarly filled with bitches (as well as hotties like Ciaran Hinds and James Purefoy). Some of them just gave bitchface and shagged a lot:
I’m not sure if Cleopatra counts as bitchy, but since we’ve entered The Patriarchy with our most recent election, the fact that she was a strong, independent, smart woman probably counts against her:
But the main bitchfight was between Servilia of the Junii (Lindsay Duncan), somewhat older and colder:
But nobody can beat Atia of the Julii. Played by Polly Walker and with dialogue written by geniuses, Atia is hot, smart, self-interested, political, schemey, and completely non-maternal to her children. Also, she has lots of sex with Marc Antony (James Purefoy), which, yassssss.
Bitchy Anti-Heroines
Most historical movies and TV shows feature a sweet, likable heroine (who is hopefully feisty, but that’s another post). However, some of the more interesting productions have at their center someone who makes you feel a bit more conflicted. Do you like them? Not really, not in a “let’s hang out!” sort of way. But they’re usually smart, and have shitty options open to them, so they have to look out for number one and mow down the fuckers in their way. Let’s give it up for the anti-heroines!
In Queen Margot, Isabelle Adjani plays Marguerite de Valois. She begins as the bitchiest bitch ever to her new husband, plus she lords it over all the courtiers. However, over time we learn that she has very limited options — forced marriage, massacre in her name without her knowledge — and she does what she can to mitigate the horrors of the situation.
The Wicked Lady embraces the whole idea of the anti-heroine. Other than a faaaaabulous wardrobe, there isn’t much to redeem Faye Dunaway’s character — Lady Barbara — except that she’s so damn entertaining. In the end, she Gets Hers, which is kind of cool but also kind of sucks.
There are a lot of megabitches in classic historical fiction, particularly in 19th-century fiction, like Estella in Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations:
Vanity Fair‘s Becky Sharp is probably the first prototypical anti-heroine. She’s mean, self-involved, shallow, schemey, and pretty unredeemable.
Katharine Hepburn‘s Eleanor of Aquitaine might have one of the best series of zingers of all the bitches in all of historical film in The Lion in Winter. She would fit into the “mother” category, except she’s the lead character. And you are very firmly Team Eleanor right from the get-go, no need to understand the complexities of her life — she’s surrounded by assholes and idiots (aka family)!
Gwendolen Harleth of Daniel Deronda is infuriating, but she’s another who is stuck between a rock (her poverty) and a hard place (her abusive husband).
Then you’ve got Kate (Helena Bonham Carter) from The Wings of the Dove. Okay so yes, she’s calculating and willing to sacrifice a lot of other people’s happiness for her own, but it’s for security and true love, so isn’t that okay?
And moving into the mid-20th century, let us not forget that Queen of Bitches and Bitchface, Scarlett O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) of Gone With the Wind. She’s selfish. She’s immature. She’s mercenary. But she’s also faaaaabulous!
Heading back into the 18th century, the Marquise de Merteuil is SUCH a bitch in Valmont and Dangerous Liaisons.
Of the fiction written today, however, it’s All Lady Mary (of Downton Abbey), All the Time. Sometimes you (and Edith) hate her, but then she goes and snarks something so snarkable, or has a tender moment with one of her gents, and wears something stunning, and you’re all “Dawwwww Mary, why can’t I quit you?”
I went to find gifs of Mary doing bitchface, and I literally found GAZILLIONS. It was too hard to cut them all, so please to enjoy:
Jane Austen’s Bitches
But really, NO ONE tops Jane Austen‘s bitches. I seriously think Jane herself must have been a megabitch, because MAN could she write them. They’re rich, frosty, schemey, and they put you down with a flick of their pinky finger.
But the two Best Bitches of All Time come from Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. First you’ve got Caroline Bingley, who thinks the richest and hottest hunk is her’s while sneering at your “country fashions,” embarrassing relatives, and (comparative) lack of money and position:
And then we have Queen of All Bitches Henceforth and Forevermore, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. She’s got a title, see, plus money, plus “breeding,” and a house with a lot of windows, and she’s spent her life having people bow and scrape to her the way she likes it. You come along all pert and cute and young and she’s having none of it.
Who are your favorite historical costume movie/TV bitches? Let’s give them a bitchy shout-out in the comments!
I’m sorry, but I just CAN’T with Valmont. Everyone is so flirty and happy and ugh.
No I’m with you. WHAT happened in that production??!!
For reals though.
I think Forman wanted to fluff it up because it is an extremely dreary morality tale. But it just comes across as a bunch of flighty people who take a joke too far. When really they were a bunch a holes, who enjoyed being a holes and messing with perfectly reasonable people for no reason at all.
THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU ALL SO HARD!
And thank you for the special shout out to my girl Jane Austen. By most of my reading, she definitely was a mega-bitch, with a heart of gold!
Does it help that Anna Chancellor is a sometime over great-niece of Jane Austen? I mean really, Austen wrote snark SO well…
Thank god you paid tribute to Anna Chancellor. She’s my favorite historical-comedy-drama bitch of all time.
Moll Flanders as played by Alex Kingston! She starts out kinda sweet, but not really, bec. you know she’s a bitch & the *bam* she becomes so very bad, so very bitchy! LOVE that version :)
She’s so good at it!
Livia as played by Sian Phillips in the BBC I Claudius is unbeatable. Lady Marchmain from the original TV series of Brideshead Revisited deserves and honourary mention. I don’t think Emma Thompson was so convincing in the film perhaps just because I like Emma too much to “buy” her being a super bitchy Mum.
ooooohhhhhh yisssssssssssss Sian forever. Stunning and SO evil! I was in love.
Wasn’t that Claire Bloom in Brideshead?
Yes. Emma Thompson played Lady Marchmain in the film.
I didn’t see Rome so I have no opinion of these b*****, but I’m with you on the others. Especially Downton Abbey’s Lady Violet (love the pithy comments) and Lady Mary, I, Claudius’ Livia, and the Austen ones. Especially Anna Chancellor, Reese, Barbara Leigh-Hunt and Queen Cersei, oops, Lena Headey.
But I also would include Sian’s Reverend Mother in Dune (1984) and Betty Davis as Margo Channing in ‘All About Eve’.
Fanny Dashwood, by Harriet Walter, hands down. Come to think of it, Imogen Stunns’ Lucy Steele made my molars grind too.
Omigosh, YES to both of those! Imogen Stubb’s Little Miss Lucy Steele: so sweet, so innocent, all the while knowingly twisting a knife through your heart. And Harriet Walter’s Fanny was so natural and flawless. I felt the portrayal in the 2008 version was a little forced.
The “Viper in my bosom!” scene never fails to delight me.
YES to both of them!
So many bitches to love — how can I possibly choose? Jane Austen’s are top of my list, naturally.
Where is Livia (Sian Phillips) in I, Claudius? A mother and grandmother who does not hesitate to kill anyone who gets in her way. She is for me the empress of them all.
Bec. Kendra is against old-school cool! But I’m not – I *LOVE* Livia & I, Claudius!!!! Baddest bitch of them all! The series is on Acorn & I plan to review it soon :)
Videography! *shudder*
Never seen it!
Best bitchin’ post on the internet.
I love many of these bitches, but my absolute favorite from this list is Catherine de Medici. She’s the ONLY reason I keep watching (and bitching about) the crap-fest that is REIGN. There are literally entire videos on YouTube just full of her insults, one-liners, zingers, and general bitchiness that I watch on occasion, just to glory in the pure snark.
Ahh, something to aspire to.
It is for her that I tried to watch Reign. But even with Megan Followes’ sublime bitchiness I just couldn’t. Which makes me sad, I wish I could keep watching it for her!
It really is SO BAD, and very beneath Meghan Followes — but oh, how I’m glad she’s there. ;)
As much as I adore the well-costumed bitches (and I DO), one of my favorites will always be Eva Green as Morgan le Fay in Camelot. The show was genuinely terrible (and the costuming somehow was even worse) but I still watched every episode so I could see her plotting in bathtubs and then swanning about in some ridiculous Renfest wear. Like Charity above and Catherine de Medici, she made the experience worth it, and it’s a shame that I didn’t get the chance to see her achieve proper victory.
I want “Just gave bitchface and shagged a lot” to be my epitaph, darlings.
I would nominate the character of Countess Mahaut d’Artois as portrayed in the twice filmed French mini-series, Les Rois Maudits, (The Accursed Kings). She was played by Helene Duc in the 1972 version, and by Jeanne Moreau in the 2005. Like Livia in I Claudius, not a woman to get on the wrong side of.
Excellent post! Movie bitches, I mean ladies, can sure be scary yet alluring. (Almost sympathise with the Frank Kennedys and the John Dashwoods…)
I love the bitches because they always have the best clothes!
p.s. thanks for the bitchy roman shout out! ;)
Just because I soo want to see the wonderful costume fest, The Pallisers, (BBC 1972) reviewed here I will add Lady Laura Standish played by Anna Massey who was also a wonderfully sinister Mrs Danvers in the Joanna David version of Rebecca.
I love this post! I took an Austen course in undergrad and my class took to exclaiming “Dang, Jane!” and “Tell us how you really feel, Jane!” at all her bitchiest authorial asides.
A shout out for Jessica Lange in Cousin Bette! She’s slow to get going but when she goes into high gear, she takes them all down at once. :-)
Atia in Rome was definitely a lethal bitch- don’t cross that one. :-)
Love this post and totally agree Anna Chancellor is a snark queen. Have you seen the original Wicked Lady film from 1945 with Margaret Lockwood? She is just irredeemably awful and wears the most ridiculous though rather pretty costumes. Also it has James Mason in it as a highwayman who is just a total hottie!
Your mention of Vivian Leigh’s Scarlett O’Hara reminded me of Bette Davis’ Julie Marsden in “JEZEBEL”. Naturally, both actresses won Oscars. I realize that you’re not a fan of the ABC miniseries, “NORTH AND SOUTH”, but I had to add Terri Garber as South Carolina belle, Ashton Main.
And there is, of course, Jean Hagen as Lina Lamont in “SINGIN IN THE RAIN”.
AND I CAN’T STAND HIM!!
Have to endorse the vote for Livia from I Claudius – look forward to your review of that. I have a soft spot for Edna May Oliver’s Lady Catherine from the old movie of Pride & Prejudice – although they completely fudged the ending – she was great fun earlier in the movie.
Faye Dunaway is so damned good at the bad bitches. But what about her Lady de Winter from ‘Three & Four Musketeers’? She’s soooooo evil bitchy! It’s amazing.
https://media.tenor.co/images/c93eea36afffdb88eb637557214c677b/tenor.gif
I have to give a shout out to Glen Close in A Lion in Winter with Patrick Stewart. I love that version so much. So many mike dropping moments!
You forgot to mention Livia from “I Claudius”. I’m in shock …