Top 5 Depressing Frock Flicks (and not in a good way)

Daylight Savings Time has ended, Seasonal Affective Disorder has hit, and life feels a bit bleak. So why not talk about frock flicks that have made me feel bleak too? These aren’t the ones that are GOOD depressing, where you have a good cathartic cry and then go wander the moors. These are the ones I honestly would never watch again unless you paid me serious money. Fork in the eye films. TV shows that make you wonder WHY they were made if not just to be torture. I cannot in any way recommend any of these, but I’d sure be interested if you found redeeming value!

Trystan’s done her take on this by looking at depressing stories that get filmed way too often. And I thought about including Legends of the Fall (1994) on my list, but Trystan did such a great take down of that that it stands on its own. I also strongly considered adding Bel Ami (2012) to the list, but since I found some redeeming qualities and I was trying to whittle down to 5, it didn’t make the cut.

Quills (2000)

What I wrote then: I LOVE Kate Winslet, but this movie just made me want to stick a fork in my eye.  The story of the Marquis de Sade and his relationship with a maid in an insane asylum yadda yadda.  See it if you’re interested in watching Winslet run around in a Really Period late 18th century corset for the entire movie (although I’m not sure I buy that her character couldn’t afford SOME kind of dress), but beware — it’s a whole lot of Geoffrey Rush doing his Geoffrey Rush thing.

What I think now: Nope. Not even Kate Winslet will make me go back and rewatch this.

The Libertine (2004)

What I wrote then: Not fabulous but not bad either. Johnny Depp stars at the famously debauched Earl of Rochester, and the movie tells the story of his decline. Samantha Morton plays actress Elizabeth Barry, who has a connection with the earl. Not a happy movie. This film joins the new costume-movies-are-okay-provided-they-are-grittily-realistic. It works relatively well (low lighting that really approximates candlelight indoors) and not so well (gritty, low lit outdoor shots). The men’s costuming is really great (what you can see of it). The women’s is less exciting (it’s not necessarily bad, just not flashy and we don’t see much of it).

What I think now: All I can remember is dimly lit depressing scenes with Rochester’s nose eventually falling off due to syphilis. I’m not saying Rochester isn’t an interesting character, but maybe not the best subject for a feature film?

The Deep Blue Sea (2011)

What I wrote then: Whatever you do with your life, do not waste two hours of it watching this INTENSELY DEPRESSING movie. And I don’t mean depressing in a tragic, dramatic way. I mean a woman who is into a guy who is terrible for her, who knows it but still lurves him anyway, and then sits around for hours chain-smoking and waiting for him to show up in 1950s London. I’d rather stick a fork in my own eye than watch this ever again, despite the usually fabulous [Rachel] Weisz and Tom Hiddleston. NEVER AGAIN.

What I think now: I trust myself! #neveragain

Parade’s End (2012)

What I wrote then: I actively disliked watching this story of the breakup of a couple who never should have gotten married — he’s a WWI soldier, she’s a cold-hearted bitch — and the young suffragette that he’s in love with. It was relentlessly depressing. I have no memory of liking the costumes, but now every time I see a still image I go “oooo” — what gives? Side note: why does a young woman wear a bobbed hairstyle during World War I?

What I think now: The costumes are good enough that I am tempted to rewatch it, but then all I can remember is hating everyone in this, so I hope that Sarah or Trystan will take one for the team but I’m tagging out.

Confession of a Child of the Century (2015)

What I wrote then: Musician Pete Doherty… plays Octave, who is the son of an aristocrat and SO BORED with the hedonistic lifestyle he lives in Paris… including lots of stellar thoughts about women. See, Octave has had his heart broken by a courtesan, and without ever thinking of the fact that these women are in shitty situations, risking their health (STDs) and unwed pregnancy to be taken care of by men with money only to be cast aside, HE’S the one who is butt-hurt by all these allegedly craven women. What makes this worse is that Octave endlessly narrates this butt-hurt throughout the film, particularly the first third, and OH MY GOD my ass fell off. I’M SO SORRY THE PATRIARCHY ISN’T FUN FOR YOU OCTAVE. Fucking manchildren! … [More ranting omitted, see my full review for all its glory] Apparently this was the lowest-grossing theatrical release of 2015, and I sincerely hope that was because of its whiny, misogynistic world view.

What I think now: I stand by my ranting. This film was serious patriarchal bullshit.

Gold Coast aka Guldkysten (2015)

What I wrote then: The fuck did I just watch? Guldkysten is a Danish film about an “idealist” botanist who goes to what was then the colony of Danish Guinea in 1836ish, thinks that all the indigenous people are simple but is still noble enough to be anti-slave trade (which had been banned in Denmark and its colonies since the 1790s), discovers slave trading going on and does something about it, sort of figures out that the indigenous people aren’t total idiots, and doesn’t end well. Why make a movie about colonialism and slavery in which there are no developed African characters? Why use a real historical person (botanist Wulff Joseph Wulff) who had a local (i.e., no legal/Christian ceremony) marriage with a mixed-race woman and fathered children, therefore obviously integrated into African society to some degree, only to rewrite him to be in lurve with some perfect Aryan blond back home? Why? There are a few pretty 1830s costumes on a missionary woman who has an impact on Wulff, and some lovely dreamy sequences from a cinematic angle, but that doesn’t compensate for making a movie in which the people who things really affect are just background. Fuck off.

What I think now: I’m still mad.

Which frock flicks will you never watch again because they’re too damn bleak?