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Starting with our second Snark Week, I’ve picked a shitty frock flick to recap, because I love sharing the blow-by-blows with you. This year, I asked you to choose what film/series I should recap, and the clear winner was North & South: Book II (1986), the sequel to the be-mulletted and peach-acetate-satin-ified Civil War epic North & South (1985).
In series one, which I recapped a few Snark Weeks ago, we established many of our key characters as the story wended its way to the outbreak of the Civil War. This time, war has broken out! And in case you care, note that I refuse to recap any of the war/battle shit.
Here’s a reminder of our key characters:
The Southern Clan
The Northern Clan
Let’s get to it!
Southern Blonde is trying to find her Northern soldier husband Billy in Washington, D.C. Northern troops are mean to her because she is a Southerner. All the “military encampment” scenes are basically lots of oom-pa-pa music.
Southern Blonde finds her husband, Billy, who has been recast from the previous season, which always upsets me. He’s been assigned to a group of sharp shooters, and she’s upset.
We’re only 10 minutes in and I’m cackling because of this back shot of Tits Out and Southern Mom:
Up north, the Northern Clan is throwing an evening party for George’s farewell as he’s off to war too. He’s uncomfortable with all the praise, given he hasn’t actually done anything yet.
George’s brother, Number One (Jonathan Frakes), continues to want to take control of the family business. His schemey wife, Plastic Cameo, has also been recast; she’s even more hilarious now. She continues to whisper schemey things in his ear about getting what he’s due etc.
Tits Out has run away from her abusive husband, David Carradine, who is seething about it. In the meantime, he’s put in charge of a local militia/troop/whatever and is mean to them.
Both Patrick Swazye and George Hazard are somehow KEY to their sides’ political leadership, and are called on by Jefferson Davis/Abraham Lincoln to participate in important conversations.
Southern clan’s Cousin Billy CHARLES [sorry, I keep confusing names!] (who annoys me, he’s a galump and reminds me too much of Andrew Shue of Melrose Place) is out soldier-ing. He meets a woman dressed as a man and shooting it out with Northern troops, who I shall call Spunky Filly. She’s played by Kate McNeil of As the World Turns. They engage in a ridiculous shooting match where the Northernerns run away for no reason. It turns out Spunky Filly is smuggling medicine to Southern troops, although she doesn’t SUPPORT secession. Billy CHARLES escorts her home, where he discovers she’s a widow and waggles his eyebrows at her. He also declares that he’s not in support of SLAVERY, of course not, he just feels he must fight for “the Southern way of life.” Which, is slavery.
Virgilia wants to become a nurse, because “apparently that’s the only way a woman can participate in the war” — I guess this is the first she’s hearing of patriarchy? The nurses don’t want her because They Know about Her Past. Virgilia is convinced it’s because she was married to a Black man.
The Northern boys (George and younger brother Billy) are having a fancy farewell dinner with their wives (Northern Blonde and Southern Blonde). At the same restaurant, Virgilia is having dinner with her Senator? friend in order to ask him to intervene in her nursing exclusion, while he clearly wants to get lecherous.
Slutty Brunette hauls her Secessionist Husband to a party where various Confederate leaders are at, and is pushing him to ingratiate himself with them. He fails because of some principles, I’ve already forgotten. Villain Bent is there. He tries to get Secessionist Husband to join his get-rich-quick scheme to get ships through the blockade of Southern ports. Secessionist Husband says no way, but Slutty Brunette is on board.
Back at the Southern plantation, Tits Out is bonding with Southern Mom. She confesses that she’s worried she’ll bring shame to the Southern Clan because she has partial African American ancestry. Southern Mom is totes cool, says she already knows.
David Carradine sets fire to some important outbuildings as a ruse to kidnap Tits Out, who he wants back. Southern Mom is wounded fighting the fire.
Slutty Brunette goes to Bent’s house to talk blockade running/money making schemes. She throws herself at him, then pulls back. Somehow Tits Out comes up in conversation, and Bent alludes to knowing about her mixed ethnicity.
Southern Blonde wants to get back to the South. She tells enslaved woman Semiramis that they will find a way!
George, his wife Northern Blonde, and a Northern general and HIS wife head out to see the first big battle of the Civil War. All kinds of locals are out watching, acting like this is Such Fun (although George and Northern Blonde KNOW that war is hell). Of course, the battle (which I refuse to recap) doesn’t go well, and everyone runs in terror.
Stay tuned for episode 2 tomorrow! Enjoy my suffering!
Southern Blonde looks familiar… is she played by the actress who was ‘Ginny’ on General Hospital, many moons ago?
This is ALL the Soap Stars!
As the World Turns, General Hospital, Days of Our Lives….
Southern Blonde is Genie Francis who played Laura (of “Luke and Laura” fame).
She’s also married to Number One (Jonathan Frakes — because they met and fell in love filming the first N&S miniseries!) :-)
I know way too much about these two (I don’t count #3) series because I was obsessed with them as a teenager/young adult!
I wrote almost the same thing because I hadn’t seen your comment. I’ve been watching General Hospital since I was about ten and still do! Laura is now the mayor of Port Charles and I’m just in love with William Ryker so I’m a fan also.
Genie Francis (Laura on GH).
Genie Francis. Played Laura (of Luke and Laura fame) on General Hospital. She’s married to Jonathon Frakes (number one) and I wonder if this is where they met.
Why am I picturing Tits Out as an old woman versuon in Book 3?
I hope Worth’s ghost gets his revenge.
Yeah, at the top, because we’re recapping who the characters are from the first series massive eyeroll And yes, this thing totally DOES romanticize the Confederacy & the Lost Cause South, so let’s take the piss out of it.
I am the author of these recaps, and I AM watching the show? And recapping it? That’s how this works?
Claudia, you need to a) stop believing in racist BS or b) GTFO our blog. Maybe both!
Mercifully for him, Swayze can no longer be embarrassed by all this, although he probably just collected his paycheck and moved on. Genie Francis in married to Jonathan Frakes of “Star Trek” fame. And Alley can’t be held responsible because she’s another victim of Scientology.
….And “FETTUCCINE!!!!”
(for those who remember those Jenny Craig commercials Alley did).
I don’t “believe” North and South is an ode to the Confederacy, I am recapping what is happening in the show and adding my thoughts about that. I didn’t write plot points with Confederate soldiers saying essentially “I’m not fighting for slavery, I’m fighting for the Southern way of life,” the scriptwriter/filmmakers did. Don’t get all testy at me for accurately picking up on what they’re throwing down.
I think you’ve touched a nerve by trashing someone’s favourite. Bless.
We have a meme for that ;)
Oh boy! I have very vague memories of the first one from my childhood. This series did not age well at all. Poor Patrick Swayze, so handsome, but that hair! Whenever I think of this series, all I remember is Patrick Swazye in a uniform and sporting a mulllet. I was quite surprised to see Number One (who always looks great with a beard) in this and poor Jean Simmons in that hideous Southern Mom get up. I’m pretty sure that Irene Cara portrays the slave, but she’s not listed on IMDB. Northern Mom looked so familiar to me…she’s the actress who played the housekeeper on Benson! I can’t wait for the other recaps to see who’s who in bad costumes. This is a snark-worthy choice for sure!
North and South was like the Civil War meets Falcon Crest. So tacky.
Erica Gimpel portrays Semiramis, not Irene Cara.
I was coming on here to say this. Strangely enough, they both played the same role in “Fame”; Irene Cara in the movie, and Erica Gimpel in the TV series.
Earlier in her career, Northern Mom– Inga Swenson– played Helen Keller’s mother in THE MIRACLE WORKER opposite Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke.
Dear god–that’s Jean Simmons?! I love Jean Simmons. (But presumably even much loved actresses with actual skills need to eat as they age.) And this does look like a fabulous ’80s giggle feast.
I have to say, coming to this without enough coffee (yes, it’s twenty to seven in the evening here, shh) and expecting it to be about the Elizabeth Gaskell novel is quite something. That’s a lot of décolletage.
A lot of décolletage, indeed!
Great job, as usual, and I salute your bravery!
But WTF was that “shitty extra” in the foreground of that shot wearing around her head?
A “let’s get physical” headband? Bandages? A blindfold so she didn’t have to look at Slutty Brunette’s sequined whooore red gown?
Looking forward to the later installments of this!
Maybe she was going to jazzercize next!
Haha I actually had trouble focusing on the paragraph above it because I kept getting distracted trying to figure out what was going on there!
That gold brown dress on Plastic Cameo is just, straight up, 1986.
Gah.
Northern blonde ‘s party dress and Southern blonde’s dinner dress are pretty.
The costumes are mostly awful and some of the color choices seem wrong to me, but I’m no expert.
Short sleeves are actually fine on a (young) teenage girl in the 1860s. The fabric, fan front on the bodice and wanna be fichu thing, along with the bonnet, are however, made of whimsical fuckery.
Also, is anyone else getting serious “Scarlett O’Hara’s curtain dress” vibes from Slutty Brunette’s red velvet ensamble?
“made of whimsical fuckery”! lololol
And YES there are ALL the curtain dress vibes in this!
I keep confusing Tits Out with other characters who have their tits out. How do you keep track of them, Kendra?
Dear god, maybe I start to recognize one set of jugs compared to another??! ;)
Maybe you should assign other monikers to the damsels who are displaying excess decolletage (sp) so readers can tell them apart. I am offering the name “Boobs A Lot” to be assigned as you wish.
And as for Slutty Brunette, I am amazed by how the costumer got Southern Belle and Renaissance Maiden together in one dress, accessorized by that oversize crappy looking Edwardian belt thing with the poor sad little bow on it. Ugly trifecta for the (not)win. But I did enjoy looking at Patrick Swayzes perfect jawline. . . .
I do appreciate you slogging through this mini series, it must be painful! Fun fact, when the crew traveled to Virginia to film dirty dancing, Swayze stirred up a ruckus because all the Southern ladies recognized him from this series.
I think we’re finally getting to the parts I vaguely remember! I didn’t put together that it was a multi-season thing at the time. Also somehow I guess I missed a lot of the one sister’s sleeping around. Just as well. Your recaps are much more fun than trying to slog it out again.
Poor Jean Simmons in that awful dress.. I mean, it doesn’t look well fitted, either. Like some others, too talented for this drivel.
I was waiting for this forever….!
Kendra, I love your work, and I’m compelled to admit I went to prom in a double of Slutty Brunette’s red party dress. Except mine had full length sleeves. It was 1987, I had no choice.
Why is Bent kissing Slutty Brunette’s hair/curl?