This Snark Week, 237 of you voted, and 52.7% voted for The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982) for our live online viewing and snarking — so watch and snark we did! We invited you to join us and snark along, but for those who didn’t make it, here’s the highlights of what you missed…
All the men of the towns of Chastity Gulch and Sweetwater, Missouri, are off to the Civil War:
Kendra: HAIR
Kendra: ZIPPERS
Teri from Three’s Company is a doctor who is going to Sweetwater to visit her aunt, Joan Collins, who Teri is just discovering runs a hooor-house:
Sarah: 1982 bonnet
Kendra: I think the dark-haired girl was on Dynasty or something
Sarah: I’m pretty sure this entire cast was lifted from Dynasty
Kendra: THAT EYEMAKEUP IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
Kendra: The purple blush is outstanding
The non-hoors are pissed about the hoors:
Trystan: Where are the split-crotch drawers?
Kendra: WAIT IT’S NOT HAIR
Kendra: IT’S A GIANT DOILY
Trystan: WTF it looks like fungus are attacking the back of her head
The hoors and non-hoors work together for the good of the town(s):
Trystan:Â They may have half the arms, but they have all the patriarchy
Kendra:Â Serious poly double-knit
Auntie Joan is very, very sick:
Trystan: I been on my back for years!
Trystan: This *was* the movie w/the nail fetishist – now we know why
Sarah: All I can think of is the “lesbian” porn with the chicks with long talon acrylics
Sarah: The 80s. When the Confederates were the good guys.
Kendra:Â Is that morgan fairchild in my pink dress?
Linda:Â We can only hope
Kendra: HOW is morgan fairchild not in this movie, in fact
A band of Union soldiers turns up:
The son (Donny Osmond) of the general has been shot, and Teri has to operate. The general threatens to kill all the wimmin if his son doesn’t make it:
Kendra: I’m a little bit wooly, she’s a little poly baroque satin
Trystan:Â Subtle
Kendra:Â Yes that’s a nice touch
A hot doctor is with them, but his arm has been injured, so Teri has to take charge:
Sarah: NO VPL
Sarah: OH FUCK THERE’S A PART 2
Sarah: CHRIST
Sarah: PROBE
Kendra: I want to be Joan Collins when I grow up
Trystan: I flatter myself by thinking I’m halfway there
The soldiers leave, leaving Donny Osmond and Hot Doctor to recuperate, but with threats of coming back and then killing all the wimmin:
Trystan: Yes! and the skirt swirling really adds to the epicness
Kendra: “We’re desperate to share our chlamyida with SOMEONE”
Sarah: MUSTACHE RIDES FOR MAGGIE
Sarah: It’s like they couldn’t afford Tom Selleck so they got the low-rent version
Donny is nursed by Lisa Welchel:
Teri talks all the wimmin into working together to fight off the soldiers when they return:
Trystan:Â The more I see of it, the more I really like that hot pink number
Auntie Joan dies:
Kendra: NOT JOANIE
Kendra: SOMEONE HAS TO PICK UP THE PURPLE MAKEUP TORCH
Kendra:Â How will we make it thru the rest of part 2 w/out joan collins?!?!?!
Trystan: SHE DID SO MUCH FOR WOMANKIND
Sarah:Â And for acetate!
Sarah: TERI WILL PICK UP THE TORCH
Hot Doctor trains all the wimmin in gun-fightin’:
Trystan:Â Gun in yr boobs, classy
Trystan:Â Where???
Kendra:Â There was an asian woman in the crowd!
Trystan:Â My people!
Trystan: (Ok, my other people!)
Acrylic Nail Hoor makes friends with one of the ladies by offering to train her in the mysterious arts of hoor-dom, so as to revive her husband’s interest:
Kendra:Â Ah the rustle of nylon
Kendra: GET THE BANANA
Trystan: School of Whoring!
Sarah: DANGEOUS BEAUTY SCHOOL OF FUCKS
Donny and Lisa make out:
Trystan: GMTA
Kendra:Â I think we need to drink each time it’s on screen
Lisa is pissed that Donny won’t defend the wimmin:
Trystan: The height of my costuming dreams at the time
Trystan: And I’m sure that was the pattern used for this movie
Kendra: She’s like demelza poldark
Trystan:Â Note to self: skirt hiking diatribe for next Snark Week
Trystan: I feel like this guy’s costumes are just Ralph Lauren off-the-rack shit
Kendra: STACHE
Kendra: RIDE
Trystan:Â I almost want to see this in better video quality, just to see if it would make a difference, yet I know it wouldn’t
The soldiers return, and Donny stands up to his dad:
Kendra: THEY LET ME BE EMO
The wimmin fight off the soldiers:
Kendra: GUN IN BOOBS
Sarah: I NEED THAT DRESS
Sarah: I WOULD WEAR THE SHIT OUT OF IT
Sarah: IT WOULD BE MY NEW SCA DRESS
Trystan: Donny is also wearing Ralph Lauren off-the-rack
Kendra: FALCON’S CREST
The war is over, and all the men come back:
Sarah: THE CALICO ONE
Kendra: “I got my hair curled and i know how to give a blow job now!”
Trystan: We’re gonna need a shipment of mousse & more blowdriers
Now aren’t you sorry you missed it?
My eyes hurt now…and not from the blurry images. I’m pretty sure it was all the pepto-bismal pink and the eighties hair…urk.
100% this!
Oh my god. Still dying. Will not stop dying.
That was amazing.
I don’t suppose for a moment the producers even considered the pic as being related to real history. A lot of people in this who never made it past the boob tube.
Why is this town called ‘Chastity Gulch’? Oh, wait, that’s actually a dirty joke. Hmmm. I’m calling shenanigans on this. Innuendo hadn’t been invented yet in the 1860s.
I’m not sure innuendo existed in the 1980s either — they were pretty obvious back then ;-)
Came here to say this.
Innuendo, out the other.
I think you hit all the high points…the effort put into your detailed analysis is a testament to your fortitude… I would never have lasted. Kudos to you! :-)
I am sooooo sorry I missed the live podcast, but your recap is hi-LAIR-ious. Even without having seen this film, I think it’s safe to nominate it as the worst historical costume movie of all time. Just the poofy ’80s hair and heavy make up alone is enough to qualify!
Regarding the lack of open-crotch drawers; I’m having a hard time thinking of *any* “mainstream” period movie that has ever accurately included those as part of women’s lingerie, even in scenes where those would make sense (such as those set in bordellos). Really, really odd.
Forgot to mention this, and it really has nothing to do with costuming – but I can assure you, as someone with relatives in southwest Missouri, that the Ozark Mountains look NOTHING like that. It’s as absurd as having the Ventura Pier, with bare brown mountains in the background, double for Palm Beach, Florida in the 1990’s TV show “Silk Stalkings”.
Oh yeah. My husband and I used to leave in Santa Clarita, which is just north of LA on the edge of the desert, and where it looks like this and every other supposedly-in-the-West TV show is shot. He came into the room while I was watching this and said, “Santa Clarita?” (While we’re at it, check out the Dukes of Hazard for amazingly So. Cal. landscape…)
They’re worried about possible beaver flashes?