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I’ve had these pix for four years, and every Snark Week, I put off writing about this shitty, shitty show. After all, we kept using so many of the best / worst pix for Snark Week memes, so what more could I add? Well the longer I looked at these images from Queens aka Reina, Virgen y Mártir (2016-17), the more horrors I saw, and thus I’m sharing my disgust with you now.
Sometimes I feel bad about snarking frock flicks made outside the U.S. and U.K. with obviously lower budgets. But, as we always say, there’s no fairness in Snark Week! Besides, when I did a little digging, I found that this show was a total mess in Spain as well! From what I can parse of Spanish news and Wikipedia via Google Translate, the showrunner José Luis Moreno claims to have spent 2.1 million euros per episode (double a typical production in Spain) but there seem to be questions about where that money went. Filming the series in English and dubbing it into Spanish didn’t help viewership — it premiered as the second worst series on Spanish TV and was never very popular. So this was dubious trash to begin with, it’s not just our opinion!
I’m not going to bother summarizing the plot because a) it’s been four years since I’ve watched the whole thing and all I remember was that I hated it and b) you undoubtedly know the story, as it’s the same old same old. Queen Elizabeth I and Mary Queen of Scots bicker back and forth in England and Scotland, they meet in person even though they never did in history, things are sexed up because why not, and everyone acts melodramatically dumb.
Let’s just focus on the costumes because that’s more fun anyway. I tried to categorize the nonsense for ease of use.
WTF Period Is This Supposed to Be?
Queen Elizabeth I ruled from 1558 to 1603 and Mary Stuart arrived in Scotland as an adult in 1561. So you’d think this show’s costumes would have more to do with mid-to-late 16th century fashions, right? Guess again.
It’s easy to make fun of the dumb attempt at period hair here, but look closer…
On the left, we have an attempt at a mid 16th-century padded roll on the top of the sleeve. On the right, it’s … an epaulet? A roll that never got padded? WTFrock? Of course, neither the roll nor the WTFrock thing should go on top of the very full 1590s sleeve at all.
I think this is the type of sleeve they’re going for (even though I’m sure 1590 is too late for the action in the series). Notice there’s no roll or flap thing at the top of her sleeve, it’s just a big-ass sleeve.
The only time I can find a roll + a big sleeve is when the roll is on an overgown, and even then, the sleeve isn’t as giant:
Still, that’s closer to the period than this:
All of these women are in some type of Victorian costume. The ladies-in-waiting who are skirt-hiking have giant pink 1860s hoopskirts and zouve jackets, while Mary Queen of Scots has a kinda sorta Victorian jacket with a ridiculously tall top hat.
None of that resembles the 1560s, btw.
Elizabeth in blue and purple mid-Victorian, Mary in a mix of Victorian with flowy angel sleeves. Of course both have modern bridal hair. Hey, maybe Mary’s dress is supposed to have 1860s pagoda sleeves? That might make some kind of sense.
Unlike this, which makes zero sense.
No fucking clue what this is supposed to be. I see some Bump-Its on her head, a lot of jewelry from AliExpress, a ruffled bathrobe or medieval gown.
Moving on to multiple violations …
- Guy in decent Elizabethan outfit, but that shit don’t fit.
- This dude needs a haircut and also missed a costume fitting.
- Mary’s wearing an 1820s-30s redingote made of stretchy velour.
- With an AliExpress fairy-queen tiara.
- All the ladies-in-waiting’s dresses are a Victorian / Elizabethan mash-up, complete with covered buttons down the back.
- Did they not have enough fabrics to make these dresses? What’s up with the weird piecing?
It’s that lace-trimmed capelet and button front that really make Mary’s dress look like a redingote:
Just, y’know, in velour.
Ah yes, Queen Elizabeth I’s 1900s lace tea gown. Right from a vintage pattern, lol.
Where Upholstery Fabrics Go to Die
I understand that historically accurate materials can be expensive, but this production really scraped the bottom of the bargain bin.
Darnley in red with grey cabbage roses and ditzy floral. Also, he has boy-band hair.
Darnley in black with a HUGE overscale gold sequin pattern.
Darnley in black and silver paisley that fits poorly and could use some interlining. Note Mary’s Serious Thespian Face.
Elizabeth’s white chenille bedspread cape.
Elizabeth in floral couch fabric #1, with her lady-in-waiting in yellow stripes, plus a couple other yellow fabrics (and let’s just not talk about the servants standing behind them).
Elizabeth in floral couch fabric #2, now with contrasting shitty brocade in the front. Makes all these mens’ costumes look positively period in comparison.
Then there’s Elizabeth’s fairy princess grey sparkle gown, with rhinestone tiara, and curly jaw-clip hairpiece. I’m sure this really impresses her father there.
Overdosing on Bargain Bling
Look, I love AliExpress as much as the next cheapskate costumer, but c’mon.
That tiara is modern, the necklace and brooch are South Asian, and all the pearls are plastic. To get you started:
Next … I ranted about pillbox hats last Snark Week, and they’re not improved when covered in rhinestones and pearls.
Bridal lace isn’t a 16th-century aesthetic, nor are those brooches, and it’s a big fat cliché to have the Catholic Mary Queen of Scots wear a big ol’ cross. Don’t worry, there’s enough fake pearls for everyone.
It’s a plastic pearl fiesta! With bonus 1950s cluster earrings and matching brooch.
Sure, we’ve mocked the shitty attempt at a wired ruff before, but there’s so much more going wrong here…
- The sheer fabric with gold crosses stamped on it and gold trim applied haphazardly is in no way accurate nor attractive.
- The hell is this cheezoid metallic curtain fabric?
- Why are there two clunky modern rhinestone appliqués here?
Yeah, I know they’re cheap.
It’s like someone dumped a little girl’s jewelry box out onto the actor and called it good. Don’t even get me started on the glittery fabrics, I can’t.
Wait, We Were Supposed to Fit the Costumes Too?
Maybe everything was off-the-rack? That might explain the the men’s costumes that didn’t fit above, but there’s more…
THIS IS BAD.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS FROM ALL SIDES. IT’S THAT BAD.
Just … WTFrock
A plethora of confused-as-fuck costuming choices!
The only good thing I can say is that his shirt neckband is period-esque — but is he wearing the shirt backwards?
That guy’s outfit isn’t as wild as her dress though…
I really wish I could find a full screenshot of this dress because it’s spectacularly bad. So much was attempted. So little was gained.
Now that’s the easy joke, but again, there’s more to be outraged by…
- Yet another AliExpress tiara.
- Modern hair and makeup.
- Floating ruff.
- What the hell is this fabric? No, don’t tell me, I can’t take any more.
- So. Many. Plastic. Pearls.
If not that one, another for under $5, surely.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS OUTFIT.
Look! There’s a potentially nice skirt underneath! What happened? Did they spend all the money renting the lute, so they bailed on making a decent bodice?
Kendra annotated this one, but I feel like we need a larger version with better lighting to really appreciate the bullshit therein.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
I think that red floral doublet on Darnley was the remnant from upholstering my mother-in-law’s couch.
Also, that’s not a Renaissance lute she’s holding but an ud. They are a bit similar (the ud is the ancestor of European lutes) but: they are tuned differently, the Renaissance lute has frets (very important!), is usually smaller and lighter (but it depends of the models and the period), the position of the bridge and the sound holes are different and the ud is played with a plectrum, while the Renaissance lute is played with the fingers. I play both, I know that uds are easier to come by than Renaissance lutes: it may indicate that the costume and prop department has little to none budget.
What the actual frock?!??!!? This makes some of the Starz Philipa Fucking Gregory costuming look good.
Did they combine ERI and MQoS with Zizi?
I, legit, paused on the wedding pics whereupon all I could do was tilt my head and blink. WTF? So much wrong, from all sides.