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If you’ve been with us for a few Snark Weeks — or since the beginning in 2015! — you know there’s a lot of shitty so-called historical costumes in movies and TV shows out there. Narrowing it down to just five is ridiculous. But ridiculous is what this week is all about, and “top 5” is just a thing we do around here to sum up stuff we like or dislike. It’s not an absolute catalog of everything, just five things that make a post.
To finish out this year’s Snark Week, I challenged myself to pick five costumes that angered me. Ones that made me yell at the screen. Ones that stick in my head as WTFrock were they thinking. I also tried to pick costumes I haven’t complained about during other Snark Weeks, though that was kind of hard.
Consider this just the tip of the iceberg of fucking ugly, bullshit, no-good frocks in flicks. Have the eye-bleach ready afterwards!
Carrie Astor in The Gilded Age, Season 1 (2022)
I complained about this bustle dress when it first came onscreen in the second episode of the series, saying: “I usually love ball fringe, but the blue shit on this gown looks like a disease. And the pale peachy color is so washed out on her, it looks like her skin, so she looks like she has a blue bumpy skin disease. There’s too many ruffles at weird angles on the front, back, and skirt. And the blue skin disease is about to choke her. GAG.”
Then we got a full view of the dress in episode seven, and I liked it even less. That blue skin disease is falling down her body. It’s going to take over and envelope her.
Just because it’s based on an actual period fashion plate doesn’t mean I have to like it. Designers in the 1880s made fucking ugly shit too!
Not sure this dress would have been any better with the colors reversed (like in the fashion plate) — then the ball-fringe disease would actually be the color of her skin. So I guess costume designer Kasia Walicka-Maimone made a small improvement, but I’m still not a fan of this!
Dolly Levi in Hello, Dolly! (1969)
Making fun of Barbra Streisand in historical costume is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I have to call ’em like I see ’em. Some of the costumes designed by Irene Sharaff in this silly musical are quite good and have a legit 1890s look. And then there’s this thing that started out OK but went to crazytown with mish-mashed fabrics and Battenberg lace appliqués.
The shape is there, but why use so many different fabrics in the skirt? And why cover it with all the stupid trims?
More like “HELLO, DOILY!” amirite?
You expect Babs to wear a giant bouffant and winged eyeliner, but that crappy lace is just killing me.
Dona St. Columb in Frenchman’s Creek (1998)
This costume is just sad, starting with that clunky sari trim along the top. Supposedly the flick is set during the reign of England’s Charles II, so 1660s-80s, but the style is more random bathrobe / failed caftan over a polyester nightie than anything else.
This costume is walking depression and not in an all-black “woe is me” gothic way (you know I love that shit!). It’s more “I can’t be arsed to care about anything and anyone, I’m so miserable I forgot to put on a petticoat, I literally just rolled out of bed.”
She managed to lace up the front, fine, but also, ouch because there’s no stomacher or really anything between that lacing cord and her body other than the aforementioned polyester nightie.
Plus, the polyester nightie clings to her legs. But she doesn’t care, she’s too depressed. Just gonna walk in the ocean, maybe chuck the whole outfit into the sea. sad trombone
Mary of Guise in Elizabeth (1998)
Goddamn, but this movie did Mary of Guise dirty! Historically, she was a badass noblewoman connected to French royalty who married the Scots king, and when he died, she basically ran Scotland, acting as official regent for her young daughter for six years. Mary of Guise was tolerant to the Scottish Protestant Reformation, but also fiercely protected the crown’s interests.
However, none of that means she threw on some armor and physically went to battle. As I said in my movie review, why is is she wearing a random puffy shirt with a cheap lace collar tacked on, some skirts made out of over-dyed bedsheets, an old curtain thrown around her shoulders, and either a ratty modern wig or a terrible case of bed-head? This is some bullshit.
But that’s not all! Later in the movie, she’s given a closeup where, again, little attempt at historical hair or makeup was made.
I don’t understand that bodice at all — it looks like several half-finished costume projects piled on top of each other. Justice for Mary of Guise!
Catherine of Aragon in The Spanish Princess, Season 2 (2020)
Finally, the costume that pissed me off so much, I had to write a giant article about the topic of women wearing armor in historical shows just to get around to this abomination. We often mention that the three of us know almost nothing about historical armor and that’s why we generally ignore it in frock flicks. But you don’t need to be an expert to know that MATERNITY ARMOR DID NOT EXIST, especially not in the 16th century. This is just so fucking stupid and enraging that my blood boils every time I look at these pix — and I didn’t even watch the damn show because of it! (OK, I didn’t watch the show for a million reasons but this was the capper!)
On a visual level, this shit is ugly. The pattern across her belly looks like a portcullis gate or a cage — basically like a prison. Did no-one look at this and realize, uh, maybe not?
The idea of maternity armor also pings my anachronistic feminism meter in a way that angers me beyond just how dumb it is as a costume. The idea that the queen, pregnant with an heir to the throne, would suit up in armor and head into a war zone, it’s confounding and goes against all common sense. Now, I’ve never been and never will be pregnant, but I strongly suspect that any woman who is heavily pregnant would not choose to go into battle if she could at all avoid it — in any time period! That doesn’t seem like a practical thing to do.
Then if you look at this specific woman, Catherine of Aragon was a very smart woman who deeply understood the value of her position in society and her role in strengthening a dynasty through giving birth to heirs. Making her into some fantasy female who throws on plate mail and jumps on a horse to head out to war is incredibly weird and radically inaccurate.
Oh and after the battle, Catherine miscarries this child, so it’s like the story itself is saying, oopsie, that was a bad idea, shame on you. Way to set up your character and make her look doubly stupid.
Do these costumes piss you off too?
Thank you for your fabulous snark week content! When I saw the title I thought for sure that Margaret of Burgundy’s heinous dress from The White Princess would be on here, but you’ve shown me depths of costuming hell that far exceed that one
There’s plenty to choose from!
It’s a toss-up/throw-up between “Gilded Age” and Mary of Guise. One could appear in the other, and it would make no difference.
Here’s my unpopular opinion: I like Dolly Levi’s red dress at the beginning. Barbra Streisand said that it weighed a lot, and felt like a carpet. Incidentally, I didn’t like any of her other costumes. As for Catherine of Aragon’s armor, why is the stomach so high? It looks as though it’s in her breasts. I know when you’re early in pregnancy, you carry high. But if she’s as pregnant as needing a specially shaped armor, it’s shouldn’t be up at her chest.
I also happen to like Dolly’s red suit, and most of her costumes – except for the peignoir. What I really hated in the film was hair and makeup being so obviously contemporary, but also the fracking wallpaper in Dolly’s apartment. WTF – it’s practically 1960s hippie luv daisies in those gawd-awful harvest gold/avocado green/burnt orange colors that were gaining popularity then. I do agree about Gilded Age Carrie’s dress. The aqua stuff reminds me of the chenille bedspreads from the 1960s Sears Catalogs that my mother put on our beds. Probably the same textile factory making that stuff. I have problems with many of the women’s costumes in Elizabeth, as well as The Spanish Princess. Once again, designers going for hysterical instead of historical. There’s just so much to hate watch.
Colleen, I always liked Barbra’s rust Hello Dolly costume too — some of the other outfits make me wince too, especially the extras in their over designed-gowns! Otherwise most of the gowns (with the exception of the gold gown) fall under ‘so ugly they’re pretty’ category! I admit I do like all the Technicolor Tessies.
Holy shit Batman, these are atrocious. 4 and 5 especially. 4 is like a disturbing fever dream, truly, and what’s with all the eyeliner?? And what species of bird nests in her hair to make it look so profoundly shitty? 5 looks like a shiny exoskeleton from Giger’s fantasy, not in a good way. They all piss me off so bad 😅