TBT: Queenie (1987)

Wait, there’s another cheesy 1980s (sort-of) TV bio–series I missed??! You betcha, and you bet I had to watch it! Queenie was an adaptation of a HIGHLY fictionalized book based on the real life of actress Merle Oberon, who was Anglo-Indian but passed as white. The book was written in 1985 and was VERY trashy à la Jackie Collins, and in 1987 ABC adapted it with Mia Sara (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) as Queenie Kelly, with costumes by Diane Holmes (The Jewel in the Crown). Let’s enjoy and talk about some shlock!

In the 1930s, Queenie is an Anglo Indian, the daughter of an Indian woman — played by English actress Claire Bloom in brownface — and a long-skedaddled English father. She goes to a fancy Anglo school, where she’s teased by her classmates for her mixed ancestry and learns how to speak English perfectly by a creepy teacher who makes a pass at her because of her “Black blood.”

Queenie’s uncle, played by another English actor in brownface (Leigh Lawson), is a musician who plays at nightclubs. It’s interesting, because this film takes a very obvious stance that racism against mixed race people is cruel, but then casts white actors in brownface for key Indian roles; points for some trying, negative points for some failing?

Queenie goes to watch her uncle play at the English club, where snotty classmate Prunella outs her and gets her kicked out. Prunella’s mother is played by Sarah Miles, and she’s the only character in this entire film to get an interesting wardrobe.

Five years later, Uncle Morgan starts an affair with Prunella’s mom. Prunella’s dad catches them and gets Uncle Morgan fired. Dad is played by Joss Ackland, and both he and Miles were in White Mischief — I guess colonialist films are their thing?

Queenie — now played by Italian American actress Mia Sara, again casting a white actor in a mixed-race role — agrees to have sex with Prunella’s Dad in order to get him to call off the ban on Uncle Morgan, since their family is starving. Prunella’s Dad has sex with her, then informs her this is going to be a regular thing. She tells him he’s evil, he chases her, and in a ludicrous Dynasty-esque moment, lunges at her hard enough to fall over the upstairs railing in the house to his death.

Queenie has to GTFO, so the family scrapes together enough money to send her to England with Uncle Morgan as her protector (helps that she stole Prunella’s Dad’s wallet). Things don’t go well — neither of them can get jobs, even though Queenie is passing as white. She finally gets hired as a stripper in a nightclub, and although she’s initially reluctant, she becomes A Sensation doing a fan dance — despite the fact that she dances behind netting and really can barely be seen, so I don’t get it. The guy who hires her ends up becoming her manager, and while he’s clearly a nice guy, he’s Jewish and very stereotypically avaricious; he’s played by Chaim Topol of Fiddler on the Roof. Yet another way this miniseries Doesn’t Quite Get It.

Queenie meets an up-and-coming photographer with a MASSIVE chin cleft. They fall in love.

He takes her to a weekend party at a famous director’s house — David Konig, played by Kirk Douglas with his MASSIVE chin dimple. In another painful scene, Queenie bumps a waiter who spills water all over Konig, which catches his interest.

Konig wants to screen test Queenie, and of course she’s AMAZING. Throughout, everyone acts like there’s Some Mysterious Thing That Makes Her Totally Irresistible, which is heavily implied to be her hidden mixed ancestry.

Konig casts Queenie in his film, which, dun dun DUN! Is being filmed in India! Queenie is terrified to go back because she knows she’s wanted for the murder of Prunella’s Dad, and she talks Chin Cleft Photographer Boyfriend into coming with.

Queenie’s mother shows up at her hotel, saying she’s got nowhere to go, and ends up pretending to be Queenie’s maid.

Meanwhile, bitchy Prunella — adult version played by Serena Gordon — bumps into Queenie and despite Queenie wearing a veil, KNOWS it’s the bitch who killed her father. She pays off an initially reluctant cop to investigate.

Queenie is of course an AMAZING actress, and despite this being a period piece, continues to wear her hair down in most scenes. Maybe the Great Hairpin Shortage started earlier than we thought?

Konig falls for Queenie and arranges to get rid of Chin Cleft Photographer Boyfriend by getting him a job on a movie filming in Cairo. He steals Queenie’s letters to Chin Cleft so they’re never sent and hides Chin Cleft’s letters back to her. Indian cop shows up to investigate Queenie, and she tells Konig the truth about her backstory; eventually she’s forced to confess all to a judge, and despite Bitchy Prunella’s bitching, gets off, in part because Konig announces that they’re married.

Partially because she feels abandoned by Chin Cleft, and partially to protect herself, Queenie ends up marrying Konig… who has a hidden heart ailment, exacerbated by problems financing the film.

The film is ready to premiere! We’re back in London! Konig confesses to Queenie about hiding the letters and then conveniently dies. Chin Cleft shows up and he and Queenie reconcile; at the film premiere, Queenie publicly declares that she is Anglo Indian and introduces her mother (note: Oberon never did come out during her lifetime).

And, scene!

Have you seen Queenie? Got any other shlocky 1980s biopics/TV series Kendra should watch?