SNARK WEEK RECAP: North & South Book II, Episodes 5&6

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Starting with our second Snark Week, I’ve picked a shitty frock flick to recap, because I love sharing the blow-by-blows with you. This year, I asked you to choose what film/series I should recap, and the clear winner was North & South: Book II (1986), the sequel to the be-mulletted and peach-acetate-satin-ified Civil War epic North & South (1985).

In series one, which I recapped a few Snark Weeks ago, we established many of our key characters as the story wended its way to the outbreak of the Civil War. This time, war has broken out! And in case you care, note that I refuse to recap any of the war/battle shit. Read my recaps of episode one, two, three, and four, and now join me for the TWO final episodes:

War shit happens! Periodically! I fast-forwarded!

Patrick Swayze has learned that George is in prison. He gets Derpy Cousin Charles to help him rescue him. They have to kill the evil prison commander to do it, and they send decrepit George on his way… in a rowboat? Through enemy territory?

It’s Christmas. Number One has bought Plastic Cameo a fancy necklace, about which she’s excited. Northern Blonde and Northern Mom think it’s tacky, and are worried about George. George surprises everyone by showing up home! Northern Blonde is so happy!

The Southern clan continues to do lots of manual labor to keep things afloat. Evil Overseer accosts Southern Blonde, Semiramis scares him off with a gun, Evil Overseer vows his revenge.

Derpy Cousin Charles has grown a beard.

Tits Out has dedicated herself to the African American refugees of Charleston. She’s spending all her money to get them food, but there isn’t enough. Rafe Beaudeen continues to think she’s a damn fine filly. She takes him into her room at the boarding house, which, would so not be okay by 1860s standards?

Northern Blonde has nursed George back to health. He’s headed back to the war, but a fellow soldier turns up to warn him that the army has discovered the shoddy cannons came from his family’s ironworks and is about to arrest him. George goes to the tavern where his brother’s shady business partner works, the two fight, and George kills him. This seems to incur no problems? George realizes that brother Number One is to blame and confronts him and Plastic Cameo. Number One crumbles, and George announces that both he and Plastic Cameo will be going to jail for a long time. And thus is the end of Plastic Cameo, and I am sad, because she made me laugh!

Slutty Brunette goes for a horse ride with Bent. He suggests she shag some old guy in return for the old guy’s donation. She’s offended and starts to say that she and Bent are in love, when he cuts her off and says they have no time for love but are partners. She recovers … by agreeing to prostitute herself? Huh?

Slutty Brunette does indeed prostitute herself:

She goes home and starts to Think About What She’s Done, but wakes up Secessionist Husband, who mutters “it’s alright”and goes back to sleep.

Bent takes Slutty Brunette out to see the guns, ammunition, and gunpowder he’s stockpiling for their coup:

Tits Out continues to be Mother Teresa. She sells her father’s house in order to fund her charity work. Rafe Beaudeen buys it anonymously because he’s in luuuuuv. He tries to get Tits to marry him, saying he loves her, but Tits tells him her husband is still alive and she can’t.

Bent is in Charleston trying to buy more ammo, but the price has gone up. The seller suggests he track down the elusive wealthy Mrs. Picard (or Pecan, I can’t tell with all the OTT Southern accents, but either one is funny), which is what Tits Out is going as. He turns up at her boarding house while she’s not home.

Tits Out enlists LINDA FUCKING EVANS (Dynasty), an actress, to play her. She doesn’t want Bent to recognize her, and she wants to know what he’s up to.

Linda Evans goes for it. Bent tells her right away about his coup and asks for her money, which seems like a stupid move? She says she’ll consider it. Bent thinks he maybe recognizes her, she dodges.

Bent KNEW that Linda Evans wasn’t Tits, and somehow he follows the real Tits to a graveyard (??) and accosts her physically, trying to remove her veil so he can see who she is. She tries to fight him off, and then Rafe Beaudeen jumps out of nowhere to save her. The two fight, and Bent kills Rafe. As Rafe dies, Tits tells him she loves him, but it seems like a nice gesture rather than a serious declaration.

Southern Mom bemoans the world she has lost.

Derpy Cousin Charles is Feeling It from the war (i.e., war is hell). He turns up at Spunky Filly’s house — she says she hasn’t seen him in forever. He is initially cold and emotionally wounded, but caves. The two have Tender Moments(TM).

Secessionist Husband tells Confederate president Jefferson Davis about Bent’s coup. Davis enlists Patrick Swayze to investigate.

Slutty Brunette turns up to warn Bent, but before she can, Secessionist Husband arrives and she has to hide. Then, dun dun DUN, Swayze pops out — all by his lonesome! They sent a general? On his own? To stop a coup? With no reinforcements?

Bent and Swayze have a ridiculous fistfight. A lantern gets knocked over, and the warehouse explodes with Bent in it. Like all bad movie villains, Slutty Brunette starts to worry she’s going to hell and confesses all her crimes — including her threatening Tits Out. But Swayze still doesn’t know where Tits is.

Tits can’t get food/supplies, so she pulls a Steel Magnolia and goes to see General Sherman in person. He, of course, can’t resist this fine specimen of womanhood and says he’ll supply her refugee camp.

Evil Overseer is captured by Forest Whitaker, who now leads a band of African Americans living rough in the woods. At first it looks like Whitaker will kill Evil Overseer, but Evil Overseer slimes his way into Whitaker’s good graces.

Slimy Senator is keeping Virgilia as his mistress, but the authorities are looking for her — he hasn’t “made things go away.” Virgilia isn’t happy, but she’s stuck. He’s gross, asking her if he’s a better lover than her dead husband.

A troop of Union soldiers show up at the Southern plantation with plans to burn the house down. Southern Mom says they’ll have to burn it down around her. They cave, saying they can use the house as their headquarters … but this plot thread gets dropped?

The war is over!!

Derpy Cousin Charles shows up at Spunky Filly’s house, only to discover she’s dead … in childbirth, giving birth to their child. He heads to Charleston? Richmond? where some family member of Spunky Filly has been caring for the child, and announces he’s taking his child home.

Billy comes to the Southern plantation and his wife, Southern Blonde, is thrilled!

Formerly enslaved man Ezra (I think I called him Eric last recap, for anyone who is taking notes) is about to leave the plantation for good, but Semiramis admits she has feelings for him and he stays.

Southern Mom continues to wax poetic about times gone by. Semiramis and Ezra are going to get married, and Southern Mom announces she wants to give them a parcel of land on the plantation as their own.

Slimy Senator tells Virgilia he’s leaving her. She protests that he cares about her, and he says nope, she was only a challenge. Oh, and the murder charge has been dropped as a witness has come forward. She pulls out a gun and shoots him dead? This all seems like SUCH a weird ending for Virgilia. I mean yes, she’s always been crazytown, but she could have, ya know, put her energies into more social causes? I’m just confused where the author/screenwriters thought they were going with her character arc.

Virgilia is set to hang tomorrow for murder. George comes to see her and the two reconcile.

Northern Blonde comforts Northern Mom.

George doesn’t know if Swayze is dead or alive, but he’s got to find him. He’s checking various morgues and hospitals. He finds Swayze and the two rekindle their bromance.

Swayze and George go to Charleston to find Tits Out. Jimmy Stewart is convinced that the two are in luuuuv and tells where Tits is. Swayze turns up at her boarding house and the two are reconciled. He meets his son.

Forest Whitaker/Evil Overseer’s gang attack the Southern plantation, setting it on fire, right as Swayze, Tits, and George ride up. There’s a RIDICULOUS shoot-out where a majority of the gang members get shot, which, you’d think the other gang members would take off? Southern Mom hits her head and dies. Swayze is Very Sad.

The Southern clan holds a funeral for Southern Mom. Swayze reads from Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address (?) about reconciliation.

George tells Swayze he wants to reinvest in their textile mill, and he wants the money to go to rebuilding the Southern plantation, which has burnt down.

And the final shot! Apparently we’re walking to wherever we’re going?

 

Dear god that’s over! NO I WILL NEVER DO BOOK III UNLESS SOMEONE PAYS ME $1000 MINIMUM!!!