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Starting with our second Snark Week, I’ve picked a shitty frock flick to recap, because I love sharing the blow-by-blows with you. This year, I asked you to choose what film/series I should recap, and the clear winner was Maria Theresia (2017-). This is an Austrian-Czech miniseries about Empress Maria Theresa, Holy Roman Empress and empress/queen of Austria, Hungary, Croatia, Bohemia, Transylvania, Mantua, Milan, Lodomeria and Galicia, the Austrian Netherlands, and Parma, beginning in 1741 and reigning through 1780. The series had two (LONG) episodes in 2017, two more in 2019, and apparently a further two more are planned. I’ll recap the four existing episodes this week, and on Friday I’ll do some actual research and talk about what the production got right, and where they messed up, in the costumes.
Check out my recap of episode one! Onwards! Unfortunately the only English subtitled version of this episode has been taken down, so I had to watch one in German (maybe? or maybe Hungarian?). So my understanding of all the dialogue is spotty, and hence my recap of What Happened is limited.
Maria Theresa (MT) and hubby Francis travel to Vienna so she can claim her crown. Insert requisite “the poor are miserable, shock, I had no idea, I will do something about this” scene.
Back at court, we’re reunited with mom and sister Maria Anna, who shall now become a minor character, and only about half the court got the mourning/dress in black memo.
MT is busy trying to secure the throne and deal with political shit.
Francis is a typical manchild, feels left out, and starts flirting with the court lay-deeze. MT notices and has a sad, but is busy with actual political shit.
Francis continues to feel left out, continues to flirt with the Lay-Deeze, especially Court Bitch #1. Insert requisite “man pushes lady on a swing in a period drama, it’s a euphemism for sex” scene.
MT is getting increasingly unhappy about Francis and his lay-deeze.
Mom drunkenly yells at MT for not having had a male child, going so far as to GRAB HER DAUGHTER BY THE CROTCH. As all good mothers do!
MT continues to deal with political shit, which grows into war (go look up the War of the Austrian Succession if you want to know more).
But Francis and his lay-deeze!
MT loses her shit about Francis and his lay-deeze; mom finally gives her the “get your shit together/you’re a strong Hapsburg woah-man” speech.
Somehow MT gets Court Bitch #1 on her side.
But don’t worry, all the other court bitches are still there to tempt Francis! Nonetheless, MT manages to steel herself to seduce Francis, since she still needs a male heir. At one point the two are mid-shag and someone knocks on the bedroom door, and MT GETS UP AND ANSWERS THE DOOR HERSELF I AM SO CONFUSED.
At some point, MT and Francis’s eldest daughter dies (of smallpox?), and F has a sad. Later, A ball is planned!
The ball is RIFE WITH THE DUMP. MT makes some kind of rousing speech.
MT has the longed for male heir! And then promptly gets some kind of Portentous War News.
Court Bitch #1 is now firmly on MT’s side. The other court bitches continue to circle, and Francis is Team Court Bitches.
My Hottie Hungarian comes back! Apparently he’s Nikolaus I, Prince Esterházy.
MT gets Nikolaus, the Hottie Hungarian, on her team politically … and the two have a major flirtation.
They go riding and it seems like the two are gonna get freaky, but MT pulls back.
Francis has gotten involved in fabric manufacturing. He brings his latest floozy to his dress shop.
A masquerade ball happens. MT is dressed identically to some other court bitch. At one point she goes off on her own, presumably to meet Hottie Hungarian, and is discovered by Francis, who is cranky. Later, she catches Francis making out with the court bitch who is dressed like her. She has A Moment with Hottie Hungarian, but it’s clear there’s not going to be any actual sexytimes.
MT gets crowned Queen of Hungary!
And we are out with MT looking HIGH-LARIOUS atop a rearing horse, wielding a sword, in front of an obvious greenscreen.
Stay tuned for another episode each day until Friday, when I’ll do an Actual Research review!